The Mannen Wife

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Filtered Pictures, Unfiltered Life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about 2020 and how I want to live my life in the new decade. I want to live authentically. I want to be an advocate of making social media a place that feels a little less isolating and a lot more honest. And here’s my mantra… filters are great for pictures… not for lives. At least not for my life, anyway.

You know, those moments when you see a mom who’s two-year-old just got early admission to College and your kid is still mastering the fork? And then you start to question your parenting. Yeah. I see you, I am you. Quit that. I’m sure that kid had all kinds of trouble with his fork that you didn’t see.

Okay, so I’ll go first..

Hi, I’m Lesley. My socks usually don’t match. My kid isn’t speaking 200 words. I don’t enjoy eating vegetables. I overspend at Target on the reg. (Target is my love language) I drink too much caffeine. I’ve seen my kid eat a cracker that has been in a car seat that I should have cleaned a while ago. My laundry is not always folded, in fact sometimes I even throw it in the washing machine and wash it again just so I don’t have to fold it. *Gasp!* Should I keep going?

I’m awkward, impulsive and sometimes impatient and I’ve learned to forgive myself for those times when those qualities don’t always portray my best side.

In the past week, I have opened up about the challenges Alex and I have had in life lately and I have found that I am far from alone… yet in this day and age of being so ‘connected’ via social media, so many of us feel alone. I have found that I’m in the worst ‘club’ but this club comes with some of the best members. People I know, and some I don’t, have reached out and shared their stories. Honestly, I wish I would have shared it sooner. I’ve met other women struggling with infertility, along with other hemiplegia and epilepsy Mamas. This community of women is a blessing in the middle of a real crappy season of life. I feel thankful to have met so many new people in just a short about of time. People I wouldn’t have met if I was still living filtered.

(I’ll say it again for the people in the back…)

So, Friends, whatdoyasay? Let’s all live a little more unfiltered in 2020. Except in our pictures… cause seriously, who can pass up a good filter? 😉

S E V E N

Grief is anger’s twin sister and lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with both of them.

To be honest, I’ve felt anything but spiritual lately. I’ve been letting my circumstances determine my view of God. I’ve questioned His goodness and doubted His plans.

Today, I realized something. Originally, I took this picture because I was ticked off that my level was still elevated. (We’re looking for it to be under 2). Then I thought deeper as I stared at that number.

S E V E N

7 weeks have passed since our miscarriage

7 HCG Blood Draws

7 was this week’s level

Now, I’m not a bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination, but 7 shows up a significant amount in the Bible. And just doing some quick research the first sentence I came across was “7 is the symbol of God’s completed work”.

I have been asking, or more like begging, demanding and pleading for a sign. That He’s near and that He hears me. That this wasn’t all for nothing. That His plan is good.

If this isn’t an answer, I don’t know what is. And I almost missed it because I was fixated on the negative.

“The Waiting Place…”

As I was reading “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” to Matty the other day, this page stopped me in my tracks. I am, by nature, an impatient person. I want a plan for every.thing. All the things. Not a fluid “let’s get together sometime” type of plan. But you know, let’s meet at Target at 3 PM with Starbucks in hand and peruse all the aisles kind of plan. Seriously, though, can we do that?

I think almost every single person on Earth is in some kind of waiting place. Waiting for the perfect partner, the job, the baby, the promotion, the raise, retirement, etc. etc. Wouldn’t it be so great if God always gave us a definitive ‘yes’ or ‘no’? to make the wait just a bit easier? “Yes, you’ll get the ____ at this time on this day. Go ahead and set your countdown app and enjoy life in the meantime”. But, God doesn’t work like that. (As much as I wish He did).

I’ll be ugly transparent with y’all since I am living #unfiltered in 2020. We are in the hardest waiting place of our lives at the moment. Waiting for test results, waiting for my HCG levels to reset to 0, waiting for doctor’s appointments to talk about plans for the future. Our future. Alex and I’s future. Not theirs. It feels frustrating, vulnerable and a little foreign to think we need to consult with a professional about OUR family’s future. But after all that we have been through, we know it’s for the best.

We are so impatient these days, aren’t we? In the era of instant gratification it’s hard to be told to sit back, relax and enjoy the incredibly long and unfamiliar ride.

As difficult as it is, I don’t believe it’s all for nothing. You see, I think sometimes God allows seasons of waiting in our lives so that we lean into Him. Nothing has brought me closer to him quite like a good ol’ season of waiting. After all, He is the only one who really has all the answers, and who has already written the invaluable book that is your life. We are never going to be able to ‘catch up’ with Him or change the chapters He has already written. I don’t know about you, but as much as I like to be in control, sometimes it’s actually pretty freeing to sit back and let the creator of the universe take the reins.

So therein lies my question…What am I doing with my time in life’s waiting room? The way I see it I have two options. I can spend that time scrolling away on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. being jealous of others who have what I’m waiting for. OR I can spend my time intentionally pouring into my relationships with my family, friends and most importantly, Jesus. I’m gonna choose the latter. (And still scroll through social media, sometimes. Let’s be realistic here…).

I hate to disagree with the legendary Dr. Seuss… but maybe the Waiting Place isn’t so useless after all.

Alright, who’s meeting me at Target? Coffee’s on me.